The latest in Japanese iPhone security: using your butthole to lock your phone 【Video】

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So everyone knows you can lock/unlock your iPhone using your thumbprint. Sure, that’s great and all, but what if you want to be even more secure? After all, what’s stopping phone thieves from stealing your fingerprints and snooping through all of your secret selfies?

Have no fear, RocketNews24’s Japanese-language writers have the perfect solution: getting your iPhone to recognize your butthole. A member of the same incredibly mature team that researched how to flavor food with burps now brings you the latest in iPhone security and will show you how to make your own iPhone something that no one could ever, or would ever want to, break into.

It probably goes without saying, but this technique is a little NSFW, so be sure no judging eyes are around before you read on.

So apparently our Japanese writer Go Hatori was not satisfied with simply being able to lock/unlock his iPhone using his nipple. No, that’s nowhere near secure enough; a phone thief could simply slice off your nipple and use it to delete your Neko Atsume file. And that is simply too horrible to imagine.

Drastic measures had to be taken. After carefully considering which body parts would be both the hardest and least-desirable to steal, Go finally decided on the perfect one: the anus.

If you’ve already made it this far, then it’s time to go even deeper. We’re talking sphincter-level deep. Here’s how he did it:

▼ Step 1: Procure iPhone, camouflage undies, and stuffed animal (for comfort through this harrowing experience).

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▼ Step 2: Ready your iPhone for butthole-identification.

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▼ Step 3: Throw away every last shred of dignity you ever had and press the phone’s button firmly against your anus.

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Much to his surprise, Hatori found that the phone was able to quickly identify and record his butthole opening. In fact, it wasn’t even that different from registering a fingerprint. The only thing that was slightly new was that the button felt a little warm afterward, as if it had been given a gentle, loving kiss.

The hard part came when he tried to then unlock his phone by pressing it against the his butthole again. Getting it to register in the exact same position was quite difficult.

▼ The iPhone begging him to stop.

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After two hours of intense anus phone-massage, Hatori had to use another phone like a mirror to try and line the button up correctly. Any sort of movement or butt-clenching would mess everything up, so he had to stay very still and relaxed during the whole process.

▼ Let’s just say when he finally got the success screen, he knew a lot more about himself.

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Of course when you think about it though, this is really a super-secure way to lock your iPhone. No one in their right mind would ever suspect you locked your iPone with your butthole, and even if they did, they’d probably never go anywhere near your phone in the first place. This is perhaps truly the way of the future.

Here’s a video of Hatori throughout the whole process. You don’t see anything you wouldn’t want to, but it is a little NFSW, so be warned before you click play.