The Magikarp kiss — Japanese woman explains why the Pokémon-like smooch is so terrible

Illustrated diagram shows why the weakest Pokémon is also the worst kisser.

With Pokémon Sword and Shield releasing for the Switch last Friday, there’s a lot of love in the air for the Pocket Monster pantheon designed by Game Freak (not Nintendo). But while fans are happy to once again be spending time with their Poké-pals, there’s one Pokémon species that’s getting a new batch of online attention in Japan for a less complimentary reason.

In a tweet posted back in the summer, Japanese Twitter user @nokochan1224 was sharing some of her musings on what makes a good kiss, complete with a few on-screen examples from movies or TV dramas. She then shifted the discussion to the other end of the spectrum by diagramming what she says is the worst kissing technique she’s ever been on the receiving end, which she’s dubbed “the Magikarp kiss,” after the often-ridiculed carp-like bottom-feeder Pokémon species,

特に宣伝することはないので、ここで私が体験した対極的な最悪のキスをご紹介したいと思います。 それでは聞いてください、｢コイキング・キス｣。 ※ちなみにコイキングは何も悪くありません https://t.co/SGCWAl9Qgf

—
のこのこ (@nokochan1224) June 12, 2019

So what prevents any romantic magic from occurring in a Magikarp kiss? @nokochan1224 outlines the move’s six defining points:

1. The other person’s mouth completely covers yours
2. Terrifying view of the relentless advance of their mouth
3. Immediately physically intense
4. Sticky with saliva
5. Feels like your lips are being eaten
6. The other person keeps a tight grip on your shoulders

Though it’s kind of hard to see how the tight grip on the shoulders mentally connects to Magikarp (since it doesn’t have hands), the rest of the list all ties in to the Pokémon’s frantic writhing and splash-spreading gyrations. And while this is the first time for the term “Magikarp kiss” to be used to describe this awkward expression of affection, @nokochan1224 isn’t the only one to have experienced it, as shown in reactions from commenters such as:

“Yep, there are people out there who kiss like this.”
“This is my least favorite way to be kissed. It’s like, ‘Please, get me out of this hell.’”
“Were you making out with a parasite or something?”
“It’s like you’re being consumed!”
“Complaints noted. I’ll stop kissing people like this.”
“I…I think I’d actually like it if my girlfriend kissed me like this.”

Though @nokochan1224 is quick to add that she has no ill will towards Magikarp itself, having its name attached to sloppy kissing technique is but the latest indignity for the only Pokémon breed that has an entire song about how worthless it is in a fight. It’s an especially harsh association, since cultured historians will point out that fishman Noonsa of anime TV series Slayers was kissing in a similar fashion back in 1995, a year before Magikarp’s first appearance in the original Pokémon video games and two years before the start of the Pokémon animated series.

But don’t give up, Marikarp! Sure, you may be weak and pathetic now, but we all know that with enough effort and courage, someday you’ll transform into Gyarados, and hopefully along the way your kissing skills will evolve too.

Source: Twitter/@nokochan1224 via Otakomu
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