The Shy Girl’s Guide To Telling Your Partner All Your Kinky Sexual Fantasies

In high school, I had a blue-eyed, porcelain-skinned, girl creature of a friend who I’m going to call “Violet” for privacy purposes.

Oh, Violet! Violet was intoxicatingly beautiful. She had the sort of invasive, penetrating kind of beauty that lets you know SHE’S THERE. She was loud as hell, rocked crop tops when they weren’t in fashion, kept her hair short and silver blonde, and casually smoked cigarettes in front of school without fear (and she got away with it, too). I thought she was the coolest chick I had ever met.

Violet was also outspoken about everything, especially sex.

“So yesterday, Rob and I went to the sex shop and we were buying restraints, and I got really annoyed because, like, we were talking about heavy nipple play and he’s not that into it. So f*cking vanilla, right? But we’re going to take this bondage class together next week, I think. Hey Rob, did you sign us up for that bondage class?!” she would shout across the CVS parking lot near our high school, the sacred haven for teens who liked to get high and talk about sinful things like reckless love, reckless drug use and reckless sex.

“Yes, Violet, I signed us up for the bondage class,” Rob would shout back at her, lovingly rolling his eyes at his insane girlfriend. She would bat her lashes at him and go back to loudly telling me about all the cool, kinky things she’d tried with her colorful array of sexual partners (both male and female, of course).

I would light up a cigarette and secretly seethe with jealousy over Violet and Rob’s dynamic. Because, while I might have been a cigarette-smoking “bad girl” with a provocative wardrobe and a cutting gaze, I wasn’t a loud open book like Violet. And I certainly wasn’t talking to my boyfriend (or my top secret girlfriend) about all the vivid, kinky thoughts that plagued my brain at night.

Because babes, I was, and still am, shy. I dress in loud outfits, I write about embarrassing things like anti-depressants and bad dates and oral sex on the Internet and I wear so much jewelry you can hear the clank, clank, clank of my bracelets five minutes before I strut into the office. But I promise you, I’m low-key shy in real life. Especially when it comes to talking about sex with someone I care about.

Allowing yourself to feel pleasure from another human being makes you vulnerable. Letting yourself feel good involves dropping your guard, and we all know that sh*t is HARD for us shy, closed-off babes. So when you’re ready make sex a little bit kinkier, and you’re not fearless about discussing your kinky desires like Violet, where do you even begin?

I mean, you could just NOT talk about it if you want, but that’s no fun. We shy girls are full of sexual heat. Why do you think we’re so shy to begin with? We know if we open up, we’re opening up Pandora’s Box, and all of our kinky sexual fantasies will come flying out, shocking everyone who thought we were polite, prim English roses (it’s always the quiet ones).

To have sexual dreams that never come to fruition is sad. And life’s too precious to feel sad, right?

So now that we’ve established that staying silent isn’t a viable option, we’ve got to figure out a way to bring up the kink convo. Here it is: the shy girl’s guide to telling your partner all of your kinky sexual fantasies.

Make sure your partner is the right partner.

Look, we’ve all dated venomous demons, so I’m not here to judge. But before you even think about talking to your partner about all the kinky things you really want to do, make sure your partner is worthy of your opening up. Opening up is a sacred thing to do, and it’s not to be recklessly done with just anyone.

I once dated a girl who actually shamed me when I told her I wanted to try things outside the sexual “norm.” When I finally mustered up the courage to talk to her about my hidden sexual fantasies, she made me feel embarrassed about them, and circled them back to my past trauma.

PSA: No one is allowed to tell you where your fantasies derive from. That sh*t is personal, and what the hell does anyone know anyway? Nothing.

So before you make yourself vulnerable and have “the talk,” take a second to assess your relationship. Facing these kinds of conversations forces you to get real about your partner. Has this person been respectful of your sexuality so far? Does he or she respect you when you express your opinions? Does your partner let you be your weird self?

Because if he or she has already disrespected your sexuality, shot down your opinions, disregarded your feelings or asked you to dumb down your personal style, you shouldn’t date this person, let alone explore mind-blowing sexual fantasies with him or her.

And if you think this person is an amazing human being and he or she surprises you by shaming you for your kinky desires, don’t fret. Because rejection is always a blessing. It’s just the universe making space for something better to come into your life.

Start with a baseline of healthy sex.

If you’re cripplingly shy like me, sex is awesomely liberating because it’s a form of communication that doesn’t involve words. Ugh, words. I feel like I’m far better at expressing my feelings for my partner sexually than I am verbally.

Hmm. Maybe that’s why us shy girls are so insatiably horny?

I’ve found that if you can connect with your partners on a sexual level, an ~intimate~ sexual level, it becomes much easier to open up and connect with them about anything. Once you’re intimate with a person, you’ve built a strong foundation of trust. You’ve allowed him or her to make you feel feelings. And once you’ve crossed that bridge, it’s becomes much easier to open up about embarrassing moments, your dark past and all the rest of the trials and tribulations. Like the fact that you want to have a threesome, go to a dungeon or have oral sex in a public place!

Have the conversation outside of the bedroom.

I’m all about the pillow talk. I love pillow talk as much as the next sex-loving sex kitten. However, when you’re twisted beneath hot, sweaty sheets and you’re in the throes of post-orgasmic lust, reality is distorted.

Sometimes, after really good sex, I feel wasted. Drunk off orgasms. My partner could ask me to do anything — jump off the Williamsburg Bridge, handcuff her to the White House, whatever — and I would probably agree to it because I’m intoxicated by lust.

You don’t want to bring up convos about the kinky things you want to do when your partner is in a post-orgasmic state, because he or she might end up agreeing to something he or she might not normally agree to. And then, once the post-sex buzz has worn off, he or she might tell you, “NO, I DON’T WANT TO DO THAT!” and you will have gotten your sweet little hopes up for nothing.

Have the conversation sober.

Booze and post-sex highs put you in such hazy mental states, making it impossible to have responsible discussions about anything, let alone your dirty thoughts of being handcuffed and whipped with a black leather riding crop.

Sh*t will get weird, or worse, forgotten. And then you will have to open up all OVER AGAIN, and who has time for that?

Remember that sexual fantasies are universal.

Because we live in a culture that shames us for our hot, sexy fantasies, we don’t talk about them at all. We stay quiet about them, and resign to the shameful fact that we’re sexual freaks. Which we are, but we aren’t the only sexual freaks. Sexual deviants are everywhere, baby.

In fact, if there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that everyone is a sex freak. The girl with the khaki pants and the severe bob that doesn’t move is curious about trying anal sex, too. The boy in the button-down who votes Republican and works on Wall Street is dying to be leashed and forced to clean your bathroom floors clad in nothing but a leather jock strap. Seriously.

Your fantasy will also probably turn your partner on! He or she probably shares it. And even if your partner doesn’t, he or she will feel inclined to open up to you about his or her sexual fantasy once you break the ice.

Everyone has kinky desires hidden deep within themselves. Why do you think crazy porn is so wildly popular? Maybe if we were talking about sex more, we would be having it more instead of crashing our computers by streaming all that porn.

Women who are fierce and unapologetic about their sexuality are f*cking hot because they exude confidence. And you’re going to turn on your partner in a way that girls like Violet will never be able to. ‘Cause you know what’s really hot? A sweet, shy girl on the outside who is a spicy, sexual freak on the inside. Just saying.

The Shy Girl’s Guide To Telling Your Partner All Your Kinky Sexual Fantasies

Credit: Dating – Elite Daily