We piss our pants over and over to find the most comfortable Japanese baby diaper to pee in

SoraNews24’s newest daddy launches into warm, wet research for the sake of his daughter.

Regular SoraNews24 readers may have noticed that our Japanese-language reporter Ahiru Neko hasn’t been around as often recently. There’s actually a happy reason for that: he recently became a daddy!

Ahiru Neko and his wife welcomed a baby girl to their family this fall, and so he’s been taking time off to care for his adorable offspring. That means that instead of spending his days getting hot crepes thrown on his face and waiting for pigeons to poop on him, he’s been giving the baby baths and changing her diapers.

But that second fatherly task got him wondering. This is Ahiru Neko and his wife’s first child, and so he really doesn’t know much about which brand of diaper is the best. So he went on the Internet and did some checking around, which produced all sorts of information about which diapers are the quickest to change and which make it easiest to tell when the baby is wet. And that’s all fine and good, but Ahiru Neko couldn’t help notice that all those articles were written from the parents’ perspective.

Caring father that he is, Ahiru Neko wanted to know which diapers are the best from the perspective of the person actually using them, the baby. Unfortunately, at just a few months old his daughter is still too young to give any sort of verbal feedback, so Ahiru Neko was left with only one choice…

…buy a bunch of different diapers and see how it feels to piss himself in each of them.

Before we get started, let’s clarify what’s being evaluated. Ahiru Neko’s test is wholly unconcerned with ease of use from the parents’ perspective. It’s all about how the wearer feels, and he’ll be evaluating each in three categories: texture, absorption, and comfort, each evaluated on a scale of 1 to 5.

Since these are baby-size diapers, they’re not big enough to completely substitute for ordinary underwear, so he wore each inside of a pair of his boxer briefs. This was also a precaution against his fear that his grown-up volume of urine might be too much for the diaper to handle, and this would give him an extra line of defense against any overflow dribbling onto the floor of his apartment.

▼ And to be triple-safe, he performed the test while standing in his shower.

The test lineup consisted of seven diaper models from four different companies, Procter and Gamble, Unicharm, Daio, and Kao. Strapping up for Round 1, he grabbed himself a tall glass of water and gulped it down to hasten the call of nature.

However, he ran into a bit of a problem. See, while we all pee ourselves every day as a baby, it’s something we physically and societally condition ourselves away from at a very young age. Standing there in his shower, Ahiru Neko felt more like he was standing on top of a tall building, and just like his brain and body would resist trying to force himself to jump off, it was surprisingly difficult to pee without even dropping his shorts.

“C’mon, man, you can do this! What kind of dad are you if you can’t even piss your pants for your daughter?” he admonished himself.

Eventually, he calmed down, and between his more tranquil state of mind and the chill of the early winter weather, he felt his bladder start to relax. “Hey,” he thought, “maybe I’ll be able to do this afeter a-“

It was done.

Now that he’d broken both the mental and physical seal, Ahiru Neko was able to pee himself with no trouble over the course of the next few days as he completed the test, and here are his results.

1. Pampers Sarasara Care (Procter and Gamble)

Texture: ★★★☆☆
Absorption: ★★★★☆
Comfort: ★★★☆☆

This is the type of diaper Ahiru Neko’s baby had been using before the test. Though the thinnest in material of the bunch, they boast outstanding, near-instantaneous absorption. He’s not sure he’d call them super “sarasara” (“smooth”) in texture, but they’re still good enough on that front, and all in all he found these very reassuring for how dry they kept him.

2. Goon Massarasara Tsuki (Daio)

Texture: ★★★★☆
Absorption: ★★★☆☆
Comfort: ★★★★☆

The thick material makes these especially comfy, but their slower absorption performance (versus the Pampers Sarasara Care) left Ahiru Neko with a bit more anxiety. However, when he was done doing his business, the overall absorption wasn’t half-bad. “Basically, these ones just feel really nice to wear” he concludes.

3. Merries Sarara Air Through (Kao)

Texture: ★★★★☆
Absorption: ★★☆☆☆
Comfort: ★★★☆☆

These are also nice and thick, on par with the Goon Massarasara Tsuki and a step above the Pampers Sarasara Care. However, they have the lowest absorption so far, and left Ahiru Neko with a chill running up his spine that he was about to have warm urine running down his legs.

4. Moony Air Fit (Unicharm)

Texture: ★★★★☆
Absorption: ★★★☆☆
Comfort: ★★★☆☆

These have a nice thick, even fluffy, material. “The Moonys have some of the nicest texture out of all the companies’ diapers,” Ahiru Neko says. Aside from that strong point, they’re pretty average all-arounders.

5. Pampers Hajimete no Hada he no Ichiban (Procter and Gamble)

Texture: ★★★☆☆
Absorption: ★★★★☆
Comfort: ★★★☆☆

From a parent’s perspective, these are constructed in a way that makes them especially easy to put on a baby. But again, Ahiru Neko was judging them from the baby’s perspective, from which these are pretty much the same as the Pampers Sarasara Care.

6. Goon Hajimete no Hadagi Marshmallow (Daio)

Texture: ★★★★★
Absorption: ★★★☆☆
Comfort: ★★★★☆

Ahiru Neko has never actually pissed into a marshmallow, but if this is what it feels like, maybe we need to stop putting ice in men’s room urinals and start putting marshmallows in them instead. These feel great, and are like a higher-quality version of the Goon Massarasara Tsuki.

7. Natural Moony (Unicharm)

Texture: ★★★★★
Absorption: ★★★☆☆
Comfort: ★★★☆☆

The material blend for the Natural Moonys includes organic cotton, and personally, Ahiru Neko found them to be the most comfortable, by far, of all the seven entrants. “I could honestly get used to a lifestyle where I just wear these all the time,” he says. However, he would have liked a little quicker absorption, and he felt the material might be just a bit on the stiff side for a baby’s taste.

So if he had to pick just one winner? Ahiru Neko thinks he’d go with the Goon Hajimete no Hadagi Marshmallow (for his daughter, that is, since he’d go with Natural Moonys for himself).

Thus ends Ahiru Neko’s diaper test. Now, we know that at this point some of you may be saying “Hey, wait a second! He only tested them for half of what babies do in their diapers!” Yes, you’re correct, and we realize that these results only beg the question of which diaper would feel best to poop in…but we don’t want to give the guy any ideas.

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