Our expert analysis on Japan’s World Cup progress

19:19 cherishe 0 Comments

“Kick” is our middle name.

Group E of the FIFA World Cup had an especially turbulent round of dramatic matches, but when the dust settled Japan emerged on top. And having earned wins against two high-ranking teams Germany and Spain, Japan’s chances of going all the way are becoming less and less remote.

In the days leading up to the crucial Spain match, even in Japan people were optimistic but also realistic that their team was the underdog. Our writer Seiji Nakazawa pondered how it might go, but knowing more about anime and dating simulators than the Beautiful Game he wasn’t sure what the Samurai Blue would need to do to move on.

So, he sought out our resident soccer expert, P.K. Sanjun. At least, Seiji assumed he was an expert because his name is “P.K.” and all.

P.K. Sanjun: “That’s right, it’s me P.K. Sanjun, where the “P.K.” stands for “penalty kick,” and as someone who has constantly heard “P.K. this” and “P.K. that” for my 44 years on this planet, I fancy myself as something of a penalty kick master.”

P.K. Sanjun: “And let me tell you, based on my three years of experience playing soccer in elementary school, plus three more at the junior high level, I can say that the only way manager Hajime Moiryasu is going to lead Japan to victory is with penalty kicks. And to do that, he’s going to need…”

▼ ???: “Just a minute there!!!”

▼ P.K. Sanjun: “Y-You!”

▼ P.K. Sanjun: “C.K. Sato!”

C.K. Sato: “Don’t give me that penalty kick crap! Japan is strong enough that they don’t have to rely on penalty kicks! What we need are corner kicks! From the corner kick Kaoru Mitoma can take advantage of the ball being jumbled and score!!!”

Seiji nodded at C.K. Sato knowingly, deferring to his knowledge of corner kicks evidenced by his name being “C.K.” and all. He was about to ask a follow-up question when…

▼ ???: “Just a minute there!!!”

▼ C.K. Sato: “Y-You!”

▼ C.K. Sato: “G.K. Sunakoma!”

G.K. Sunakoma: “Japan needs to rely on corner kicks? That’s rich, man. There’s an old Japanese proverb that says when a man leaves home he will encounter seven enemies. That means that you must fight the moment you step out the gate and that’s during the goal kick!”

G.K. Sunakoma: “Keeper Shuichi Gonda just needs to kick it deep out to Mitoma who will then score and take Japan all the…”

▼ ???: “Just a minute there!!!”

▼ G.K. Sunakoma: “Y-You!”

▼ G.K. Sunakoma: “F.K. Ueda!”

F.K. Ueda (a.k.a. SoraNews24 founder Yoshio): “You’ve got to be out of your mind thinking that we need goal kicks to win. Obviously, the most important thing is to go for free kicks! I mean, come on… They’re free!”

F.K. Ueda: “Takefusa Kubo played in Barcelona as a youth and can put away free kicks like nobodys busi….”

▼ ???: “Just a minute there!!!”

▼ F.K. Ueda: “Y-You!”

▼ F.K. Ueda: “Indirect F.K. Harada!”

Indirect F.K. Harada: “Our team doesn’t have a free kicker like Shunsuke Nakamura was back in the day! Because of that, we need indirect free kicks to win!!! With an indirect free kick Mitoma can work his magic in all the chaos in front of the goal and score!”

Seiji wasn’t sure what to make of all this. Each person’s analysis sounded good to him and they all had the names to back up what they said. But now the office was full of people with “Kick” in their names and things started to get out of control.

▼ Everyone: “PK! CK! GK! FK! Indirect FK!”