Twentythree

Wondering what day it is today? Yes, obviously, it's Monday. Yes, it's clearly the last day of July. And yes, it's JK Rowling's, Harry Potter's, and Mark Cuban's birthday.

But most importantly, today is National Orgasm Day. Because, yes, there is a holiday for literally everything these days — specifically, a holiday that has the internet exploding with jokes.

In the event you haven't heard anything about the joyous holiday already, please allow the good people of Twitter to humor you with some freaking hilarious commentary on National Orgasm Day.

Obviously, this holiday merits a day off.

Sherlock Holmes even got his own joke in!

Jesus jokes weren't even off limits.

Shots fired at this dude!!

This guy is getting in the spirit, just like he would any other holiday.

I mean, it's basically the same thing as National Donut Day, right?

Boom! We got our first cum joke!

Someone call DJ Khaled because we got ANOTHA ONE.

Aaaand again.

Oh! Looks like we've got ANOTHER.

These jokes just keep coming… ha, get it?

Yes, Kayleigh, yes it is.

Honestly, this is a fair question.

This guy got a little too into the spirit for the workplace.

It was only a matter of time before someone made a faking it joke.

There's only one way to respond when someone asks you if you know what day it is.

This one's just a classic.

Finally, someone brought it home with a 69 joke.

So happy National Orgasm Day, everybody! Here's to hoping you celebrate in style — whether you take matters into your own hands or you turn to a trusted partner to help you out with the cause.

No matter how you celebrate, I hope you COME out and really grab today by the balls. Maybe even COME out and celebrate 69 whole times!

I'm sorry, guys, I would stop with the joke, but I just can't keep them from coming.

Lol. Oh, man, I really crack myself up.

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18 Tweets For National Orgasm Day That'll Make You Wish You Were At Home “Celebrating”

Should Makoto Shinkai’s anime have been about Top Gun Taki and Maverick Mitsuha?

While I like to think of myself of a fairly sophisticated media consumer, I can’t claim to be a definitive authority on each and every cinematic technique. And so, kind readers, I have a question I was hoping you could help me answer.

What makes a movie Top Gun?

Many would say that the litmus test that determines a movie’s Top Gun-ness is whether or not it happens to be a 1986 Tony Scott film about naval aviators. This protocol would suggest that Your Name, the 2016 science fiction romance anime from director Makoto Shinkai, has a very low Top Gun quotient, so low in fact that we could say with complete certainty that Your Name is not Top Gun. Or at least as much certainty as scientists can ever assert when disproving something.

But what if we instead applied the competing criteria, and evaluated whether or not a movie is Top Gun by seeing how well its visuals can work with Kenny Loggins’ “Danger Zone?” In that case, we’d come to the opposite conclusion, as Your Name actually has the components for a pretty awesome “Danger Zone” video, like the one put together by Japanese Twitter user @Yukke69.

▼ The music starts at the 0:09 mark.

どんな映画の予告だろうと「Danger Zone」を被せるとトップガンの新作になる気がする https://t.co/FADPAayfID

—
ゆっけ (@Yukke69) July 29, 2017

The new background music lends a sense determined urgency to the movements of Your Name’s Taki and Mitsuha, making them seem more like a two-person F-14 flight crew than a pair of body-swapping high schoolers. For extra effect, @Yukke69 has also added in a mid-video caption that insist Your Name’s central Japan lake is actually the Indian Ocean, added subtitled dialogue of Taki psyching himself up in the mirror by saying “Show me what you’ve got,” and slapped Top Gun’s Japanese commercial title card on the end of the whole thing.

Even though he’s played with the animation timing and cuts to make them match the song’s rhythm, @Yukke69’s handiwork has been amping up fans of modern anime and ‘80s action movies, who’ve left comments such as:

“The sounds and visuals totally go together.”
“So are they gonna scramble the Tomcats to shoot down the meteorite?”
“Tom’s Name”
“Can you please do this for Shin Godzilla too?”

Here’s hoping that Loggins isn’t upset about his creation being borrowed for the mash-up, and also that @Yukke69 examines the other face of the coin by inserting Your Name’s iconic anthem “Zenzenzense” into a trailer for Top Gun.

Source: Twitter/@Yukke69 via Hachima Kiko
Featured image: Twitter/@Yukke69

2020年，整个世界正处于水深火热中，被死人覆盖的埃菲尔铁塔、人类大屠杀、人体实验、释放有毒气体、农作物入侵等等，都是外星人毁灭人类的手段，残忍又血腥，而讽刺的是，这些正是人类曾经用来对付人类的方法。。。

There's a scene in The Ugly Truth (the best worst movie of all time) where Katherine Heigl's character wears vibrating black underwear to a business dinner. Through an adorably convenient storyline that can only exist in a rom-com, a little kid somehow gets his hands on the remote control for the underwear and controls the vibrations to the point where Heigl has an orgasm right at the table in front of all her co-workers. It's cringeworthy, hilarious, and a perfect example of how spicing up your sex life can be as simple as wearing your sex toys.

You don't need to be like Katherine Heigl and have an orgasm at the dinner table. But there are so many options for wearable sex toys — specifically beautifully, well-designed jewelry — that will make you feel like you're keeping a dirty little secret from everyone around you, which will make you feel sexy. I know that sounds like a line from a dated women's magazine, but I'm being completely deadass. You will feel so hot wearing a vibrator in the form of necklace.

Here are five pieces of sex toy jewelry that you can wear if you, too, are looking to feel a little sexier.

1. Vesper Vibrator Necklace, $69, Crave

Crave

This necklace is my favorite thing I own. I feel amazing when I wear it on dates. Guys have no idea that my necklace is actually a vibrator, and the best part is that they could know if I just told them — I just choose not to. (See? Dirty little secret.)

It is not only such a sleek and elegant piece of jewelry that can be paired with both a cocktail dress and a t-shirt, but the vibrations are so powerful. More powerful than most actual vibrators, if I'm being honest.

The best part is you can wear it on a date or to a fancy party, and nobody will know you used it on yourself last night. Even more dirty secrets!

2. Amelia Handcuff Bangle, $56, Unbound

Unbound

These bracelets are so dainty and low-key, you'd have no idea they could double as handcuffs if you just unhook the latch where it says “Unbound” and find a willing partner to lock to a bedpost. (Seriously, I had to look around for the handcuff latch when I first got these. It's that discreet.)

For everyday wear, just line up both of the cuffs, slide your hand through them, wear them both on one wrist, and viola — they become two bangles. Nothing else to see here.

3. Tassel Choker, $62, Bijoux Indiscrets

Bijoux Indiscrets

One of my best friends says she's “obsessed” with this necklace, and for good reason: She looks like such a badass whenever she wears it. Her girlfriend gave it to her for Christmas, and she wears it literally all the time.

“It makes me think of sex, which always elevates my mood, but it isn't overly scandalous because it looks high-fashion as well,” she says. “I also like how it's a message of both submission and dominance. The collar is very submissive and the whip attached to it is very dominant. As a girl who considers herself versatile (both a top and a bottom), I feel like it was made just for me!”

4. Twiggy Venus Necklace, $35, Unbound

Unbound

I recently hung out with one of my friends who wears a tiny cross necklace. We were talking about religion as our nails were drying after getting a manicure, and as she referenced her necklace, I realized my Venus necklace kind of looked like a cross, too, so I held it up and said, “MY RELIGION IS WOMAN.”

In all seriousness, this necklace will make you feel so proud to have a vagina. Whenever I wear it, I am reminded that I am WOMAN, hear me ROAR, which makes me tap into my most feminine self. I absolutely love femininity, and I feel sexy when I'm able to celebrate it by wearing a necklace like this.

5. Amelia Pinwheel Necklace, $67, Unbound

Unbound

This necklace is SO COOL. It looks like a little sun, but it's actually a spiked wheel that pops out like this:

Unbound

You roll it across the surface of your skin, and it gives you a crazy prickly sensation that feels great and doesn't hurt (though, it definitely can if you press harder). If BDSM is something you're interested in, this necklace is a very low-key, accessible entry into that world. I can imagine this feeling really, really good on erogenous zones.

You can check out a lot more sex toy jewelry here. Overall, buying any one of these pieces of sex toy jewelry will change your sex life. I can assure you I had no idea I needed a vibrator necklace until I got one.

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5 Low-Key Ways To Spice Up Your Sex Life By Using Jewelry