Our Japanese writers share times they were the fool in honor of April Fools Day
It may be factual, may be cruel. Everybody plays the fool.
It is once again time to celebrate April Fool’s Day, which back in the day meant 65 percent of everything you read on the Internet was fake, but recently seems to have died down to a more tolerable 10 to 20 percent. That’s why we thought we would do something completely different this year and share 11 stories of when our Japanese writers made fools of themselves.
So why not take a moment and embrace the schadenfreude in these tales of awkwardness and bodily fluids?
Episode No. 1: Mr. Sato’s “Illusion”
Everyone must have been tricked by an illusion at least once in their life. We’ve all had the experience of being confused by seeing something that shouldn’t exist, or at least exist in a particular place. I know I have, and looking back I’m sure it was just an illusion…
When I was in my early 20s, I worked as a track maintenance guy for a railway. Large-scale railway work is usually done overnight when the trains aren’t running. One time, I was working up in the mountains when I took a break to relieve myself in some nearby bushes.
Just then, I saw something white moving at my feet. “Could this be a white snake?!” I thought to myself excitedly. Knowing that white snakes are said to bring good luck, I rushed back to get a flashlight to see it for myself.
When I returned to the bushes I shone the light where I saw the white thing move… only to reveal it was the foam from my own urine. I must have been quite the sight standing there in the bushes and shining a light on my own pee.
Episode No. 2: Takamichi Furusawa’s “Miscalculation”
Ever since I was a child, I always hated getting injections. I especially loathed the mass vaccinations they had in elementary school to the point that it made me nauseous. Not only was the pain unbearable for me, but the time I had to spend in the hallway outside the nurse’s office dreading the shots was also hell.
About 30 years ago I was in the later grades of elementary school and despairing about the upcoming vaccination I was going to get in school. It was my first shot in a few years and I had thought those days were behind me. I really wanted to get out of it, so after some thinking… I had an idea! Perhaps, if I developed a slight fever, I wouldn’t have to get the vaccination.
My first idea was to catch a cold by taking a cold bath, but I didn’t go through with it because it was too risky. Then, I considered just playing sick and skipping school, but I gave up on that idea too, because people would know I was avoiding school because I was scared.
In the end, I came up with the following plan: When it got to be my turn to get the shot, I’d just fake a stomachache and go to the bathroom. There I could raise my body temperature by doing squats and shadow boxing. I believed that through vigorous exercise I could trick the thermometer. It seemed foolproof…
And it was! Kind of… My plan went off without a hitch and I ended up being the only one who didn’t have to get the vaccine, which meant I didn’t have to freak out in front of everyone else. However, my teacher told me afterward that I had to go to the hospital another day to get the vaccine. It was my first real taste of defeat and I vowed from then on to never do anything stupid again.
Episode No. 3: Masanuki Sunakoma’s “Innocence”
When I was in sixth grade, I kicked a snowman with all my might, but it was frozen and I injured my foot so badly it took six weeks to recover.
Episode No. 4: P.K. Sanjun’s “Fainting”
This happened over 25 years ago. Back then I was always avoiding going to the dentist. It got to the point that I could feel a frighteningly large hole open up in my tooth when I touched it with my tongue, but I still stayed away from the dentist for about two years. My cavity was hurting so badly that I started taking over-the-counter painkillers every day and somehow just put up with it.
Then, one day when I was watching a baseball game with my best friend at what was then called Chiba Marine Stadium, something happened. After taking too much Loxonin and alcohol, I passed out in the restroom and by the time I woke up, the game had ended. No one was left in the stadium and it looked like something out of pop duo Yuzu’s music video for “Eiko no Kakehashi.”
▼ For reference
Outside, my best friend was sitting on the hood of my car, looking at me furiously. We got into a big fight with him shouting, “Where have you been?!”
It was clearly my fault. I should have gone to the dentist long before, but I just put up with the pain until it got the better of me. It was bound to happen at some point, so this is the tale of a fool who didn’t know the meaning of patience.
Episode No. 5: Seiji Nakazawa’s “Commemorative Photo”
I was at Summer Sonic in 2004, and after the festival, I was still pumped up, so I went to a bar where I heard foreign performers often go.
Sure enough, there were a lot of foreigners inside and it got me even more pumped. At that time, all the people standing around the bar were buzzing that the guitarist for Sum 41 was in the bar. That was amazing! I loved Sum 41 and if I could meet them there, it would have been a memory that I could cherish my whole life!
That being said, I had no idea what the guitarist for Sum 41 looked like. I was too shy to ask the others, but just then I saw a foreigner that looked like someone in Sum 41 sitting right in front of me.
I sheepishly asked him to take a photo with me and he kindly agreed. He really did look and act like a guy from Sum 41, so much so that I got a picture of us together. I was so happy, but when I showed the photo to my friend…
He was just a normal foreigner having a drink in the bar. My friend asked why I wanted a photo of that guy. Sure, I didn’t know what they looked like, but I was so obsessed with that group I had to take a chance. It’s just too bad it didn’t pan out, and I went home much less excitedly.
Episode No. 6: Takashi Harada’s “Assumption”
I’ve talked about this before, but a while ago I once accumulated a lot of debt without even realizing it. To tell the truth, it was actually over one million yen (US$6,700) and the reason was that my credit card was the kind that only took out high-interest loans.
I only have myself to blame for just assuming I could just pay off the original amount and not checking my statements properly. Anyway I look at it, I was just a complete fool and even now when I think back to that time, I shudder and wonder what if I didn’t notice it when I did…
A lot of people probably get new credit cards in the spring, so be careful because they can be surprisingly dangerous.
Episode No. 7: Ahiruneko’s “Because of Youth”
Over 15 years ago, during the first Golden Week holidays after I started working, my long-distance girlfriend came to visit. At that time, I was living with my parents so we often went to love hotels for an hour or two and ended up spending 50,000 yen ($333) on bills during that week.
I didn’t think anything of it at the time, but all my older co-workers sure did. Again and again, I would have the following exchange with one of them:
Co-worker: “Hey, Ahiruneko, how much did you spend on love hotels during Golden Week again?”
Me: “50,000 yen.”
Co-worker: “Hahaha!”
Looking back on it, 50,000 at love hotels in Sapporo was too much money for many different reasons. I’ll just blame it on my youth.
Episode No. 8: Mariko Ohanabatake’s “I meant to say thanks…”
About 10 years ago, I took a trip to Korea with some friends. It was my first time there and I was really excited about it, but whenever I thanked the staff in stores, everyone looked embarrassed or made strange faces for some reason. Actually, it was more like they were giggling at me.
In Korean, the word for “thank you” is “gamsahabnida” but I had been mistakenly saying “salanghaeyo” which means “I love you” to everyone, and enthusiastically too. It dawned on me that I was some crazy lady repeatedly telling every clerk I met in a foreign country that I loved them.
Still, I lucked out when my taxi driver gave me a little extra change back and I got to see a hot guy at one of the cafes blush. Maybe it was the salanghaeyo effect.
Episode No. 9: Yuichiro Wasai’s “Opposite Effect”
This is really stupid but no laughing matter. The other day, I did a stretch that I saw on social media that was supposed to be good for lower back pain but the next morning I was stiffer than ever. I couldn’t sleep for about a week after because of the pain and it still hurts now.
When I asked my chiropractor about it he told me it was a stretch that no one should ever do. I can’t stop kicking myself for taking some random health advice from the Internet and putting it into practice, so hopefully by sharing this, I can save someone else from the same fate. Be careful, everyone!
Episode No. 10: Go Hatori’s “Habitual Phrases”
Whenever I get done watching a dirty video, I end up feeling empty. That’s why I have this habit where I say out loud to myself, “You dumbass!” Then, I say to myself “Enough, enough… I’ve had enough of this…” and turn off the video. I should probably just keep quiet, but I can’t help calling myself an idiot at that point. So, whether in Japan or abroad, if you hear someone shout “You dumbass!” from the next hotel room, it’s probably me.
Episode No. 11: Yoshio’s “Slips of the Tongue”
I’ve been making a lot of slips of the tongue recently. I just can’t seem to find or remember certain words, names, or dates. So, I would like to share some of my more horrible slips of the tongue that my wife keeps track of on her phone.
1) I once called a burrito a “Gabriel.”
2) I once described a place as a “two-story single-story house.”
3) I once remarked that Son Heung-min “doesn’t even seem Japanese anymore.”
4) I once accidentally called the musical group YOASOBI “Yotsubai” (down on all fours).
5) I once called the Asagaya Sisters comedy team the “Setagaya Couple” mistaking both their hometown and relation to each other.
6) When talking about the comedy duo Ogiyahagi, I can never remember which one is Ogi and which one is Yahagi.
But I refuse to let this get me down. I’ll keep living the way I want to.
And that wraps up our foolish behavior showcase ranging from the mild to the life-threatening. If you would like to vote on which writer was the biggest fool, then just click your choice on the poll below.
Let us know what you think so we can crown our Fool of the Year from among this stiff competition and give them a pointy cone to wear on their head.
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