Japan’s Virtual Boyfriend Cake is here to keep you company/be your murder victim this Christmas

Our single-lady reporter meets and eats her new beau.

Considering some of character flaws (or “endearing quirks,” as we prefer to call them), a surprisingly large proportion of the SoraNews24 team has been able to talk someone into dating or marrying us (and in some cases even bearing our children). That said, there are a few singles still on the staff, such as our Japanese-language reporter Chibiko Alicegawa.

With the Christmas season being the most romantic time of the year in Japan, Chibiko has been feeling lonely these days. Ordinarily, we’d throw her one of our famously festive Christmas parties, but this year, social distancing recommendations led us to adopt different cheer-up tactics.

Along with fried chicken, a traditional Christmas dinner in Japan includes a Christmas cake, so we decided to send one to Chibiko, and at the same time provide her with the boyfriend she doesn’t have.

▼ “Why hello there, Miss Chibiko. Don’t you look lovely tonight?”

We were able to simultaneously accomplish both goals thanks to Cake Land, a Japanese bakery that offers what it calls the Virtual Boyfriend Cake. Technically, it’s meant to be a birthday cake, but since it’s available all year round, it’s perfectly capable of handling Christmas cake duty too.

▼ We even customized our order with a cookie message saying “Merry Christmas, Chibiko-chan!”

Cake Land ships orders all across Japan, and Chibiko was surprised when the deliveryperson knocked on her door and handed over a package containing the head of a handsome anime-style man.

▼ The Virtual Boyfriend Cake next to a cup of instant ramen, for scale

The cake comes with a pack of candles, but Chibiko was unsure of how best to use them. Sticking them directly into her new boyfriend’s face and lighting them on fire seemed somehow cruel, and, more importantly, it would mess up his tall nose, double-folded eyelids, perfect teeth, and other hallmarks of classic anime handsomeness.

Eventually, she figured out some workarounds, though they made her boyfriend look a little charai, as fashionable yet flirty dudes are called in Japanese.

But even if Chibiko was able to avoid puncturing her boyfriend’s face with candles, there was no way to get around slicing it to pieces in order to consume it for nourishment.

Again, Chibiko found herself hesitating…at least until she could think up a suitable backstory.

▼ “Shinji, I know.”

▼ “Wait, what?”

▼ “I know you cheated on me with Yui.”

▼ “Hold on, Chibiko, baby! I can explain!”

▼ “No, Shinji, there can be no explanation. There can only be…”

▼ “…revenge.”

With her hunger for vengeance satisfied, it was time for Chibiko to address her hunger for cake. To her pleasant surprise, Cake Land hasn’t used the Virtual Boyfriend Cake’s outstanding visuals as an excuse to not put any effort into the taste. This is a well-balanced cake, flavorful without being overpowering on the sweetness.

▼ Chibiko even got to learn why Shinji was dumb enough to think he could get away with fooling around behind her back: he has strawberry cream for brains.

Cake Land says the Virtual Boyfriend Cake can serve four to six people, and while that’s going by modest-sized Japanese portions, it’s still big enough that Chibiko couldn’t finish it off all in one sitting. As a result, she’s storing Shinji in her refrigerator until she has a chance to completely devour him.

▼ “Your punishment will continue, Shinji.”

If you’d like a Virtual Boyfriend Cake of your own, orders can be placed through Cake Land’s online order set on Rakuten here, with this size priced at 6,480 yen (US$62). And if you desire even more face-y treats, there are always these freaky dorayaki.

Photos ©SoraNews24
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