We save money on crotchless jeans from Japanese brand Beams by making our own

Addition by subtraction.

Keeping up with fashion is expensive… or not. Truth is, we don’t really know all that much about it to begin with. Long-time readers of this website have probably noticed that most of our writers’ idea of fashion is finding a neat T-shirt and wearing it four days a week. There are some exceptions though, such as our founder, Yoshio.

He can occasionally be seen browsing through clothing websites to see what’s hot for the season and just the other day was on the online store for the popular brand Beams when he saw something special.

▼ Yoshio: “Aren’t these just the coolest? They’re jeans inspired by those leather pant covers that cowboys wear. What a bold pair of pants… Beams really are in a class by themselves!”

Yoshio was right in that they resembled the same chaps favored by cowboys and S&M enthusiasts alike. It stood to reason that the old west and/or fetishism was due for a comeback in mainstream fashion and our boss was eager to get in on the ground floor.

▼ Yoshio: “The trick is to wear a pair of shorts underneath. That way you can have fun coordinating the different colored shorts with the jeans. That sounds pretty cool…”

Yoshio stared at the screen silently, but anyone could see the sheer desire to be fashionable well up inside him. Just as it looked ready to erupt, he sprung up from his seat and headed for the door.

No one was sure where he was running to, because he was looking at an online store and could have just ordered the crotchless pants then and there.

▼ Yoshio: “Hold my calls!”

As he was heading out, we peeked at his monitor and found that the pants in question sold for a whopping 33,000 yen (US$210), which seemed unfair since much of the key pieces of fabric were missing.

And yet, Yoshio seemed to be moving with a great deal of purpose. Hopefully, he wasn’t heading out for yet another poorly thought-out scheme to make money.

About an hour later, Yoshio returned to the office holding a pair of scissors and a pair of regular jeans. He had the look of someone who had just come up with the greatest idea ever, but he often has that look so we usually just ignore it.

▼ Yoshio: “I’ve just come up with the greatest idea ever! Why should I fork over that much money to Beams, when I can use my keen fashion sense to make my own with these 3,000 yen  jeans?”

This turned out to be one of Yoshio’s more sensible schemes. After all, the whole point is to destroy the jeans, so he’s unlikely to screw that up. It would save a lot of money too.

It only took a few minutes of cutting before he triumphantly held up his hot item for the summer.

Giving credit where due, he really did a rather good job with the cutting. The lines were fairly smooth and symmetrical.

If there was one criticism, it’d have been that he seemed to have cut a little too much from the rear. The rear pant legs seemed to droop a bit and more fabric around the sides could have helped keep them up more.

Yoshio wasted no time throwing on a pair of yellow shorts and then sliding on his new DIY chaps over top. Right away there were some issues, namely his shirt. It was a little long which would cover up his fashionably exposed crotch, but he couldn’t tuck it in either due to this paradigm-shifting ensemble.

Still, that could be fixed with some more time spent coordinating. For now, he just cinched the shirt up with a rubber band to keep it out of the way.

The now thin strip of denim holding the two pant legs together also tended to droop down quite a bit. He could probably fix this by hiking up his jeans a bit, but he figured that showing a bit of thigh is the key to pioneering this sexy new fashion trend.

Also, since shorts are worn underneath, no functionality is lost as one set of rear pockets is simply replaced with another.

Most importantly, there was a visible change in Yoshio’s self-confidence with his new crotchless pants. He had the look of a man who knew just how irresistible to women he was.

▼ Yoshio: “Yeah, I’m pretty satisfied with how this turned out. I just know I’m going to be the center of attention wherever I go this summer. Of course, I also don’t mind if others imitate me. That’s what fashion is all about.”

And so, it looked like all was well that ended well with Yoshio getting the hottest look of the summer for a fraction of the cost. He was all set to get back to work when suddenly…

▼ *Knock, knock!*

It was our writer Takamichi Furusawa. He’s known to have a nose for both great deals and cutting-edge fashion and must have sniffed out what was going on.

▼ Takamichi: “Heyyyyyyyyyy, daddy-o! Pretty snazzy jeans ya got there!”

▼ Yoshio: “Hehe, yeah… They’re the hottest jeans in Japan right now.”

▼ Takamichi: “Ya don’t say? Seems like a real waste for you to wear them. How about giving them over to me?”

▼ Yoshio: “No way! Make your own, you dunderhead!”

▼ Takamichi: “Dunderhead?! Why I oughta!”
Yoshio: “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!”

▼ Takamichi: “Come ‘ere! I think yer too sexy for your jeans!”

▼ Yoshio: “Unh-uh! I’m just…”

▼ Yoshio: “Ooof! …sexy enough!”

It would appear that an unforeseen design flaw in these chaps were that the significantly reduced fabric around the groin made them much easier to steal.

▼ Takamichi: “Come to daddy!”

On the other hand, the study denim still held up well amid the struggle and the fact that Yoshio was already wearing regular shorts underneath allowed him to keep a shred of his dignity.

▼ Yoshio: “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeek!”

▼ Takamichi: “Huzzah!”
Yoshio: “My style!”

And despite having just been robbed of his pants, the biggest insult of all was that Takamichi ended up looking even better in them.

The loose strip of denim that had hung limply between Yoshio’s legs now looked defiant between Takamichi’s, rebellious to society’s conventions.

The subdued hue of the purple shorts added a layer of sophistication to this wild style. It was the look of a man willing to put it all on the line while remaining fully in control of his nether regions.

It was the look of a man who knew just what he wanted and how to get it, even if it meant mugging his own boss.

In conclusion, we highly recommend making your own crotchless jeans rather than buying brand-name. You’ll save a lot of money which will make it sting less when a family member, friend, or subordinate inevitably steals them in a fit of jealousy.

Related: Beams
Photos ©SoraNews24
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